Exams: How it has always changed me

Exams before were not as horror as I feel them now [Engineering? Prolly not just it.]. Though I always, and by always I mean always got sick when exams were near, I never really was very bad at solving quiestions. [I felt like I understood them and they were easy in the class itself that I didn't really needed to study much during exams.]

Studying and memorizing things was never my forte but I got fine enough grades that I was counted as one of the good students in the class. I was never brillient and never bad, I didn't really study that much but I wasn't out of answers to write as well. I have always been told that I can be excillent if I "study harder" but I never did.

I did get good grades so all my parents and relatives felt like I cound do something in life that'd made me better than others. [In other words, they felt like I would be "sucessful".] I still think that I am a good student and I can get good grades if I study. But, the reality is different. I am addicted to ignoring the subjects if I have to give exams on them.

The fact that I feel that I am someone who should get good grades and I am failing subjects in the engineering course that I chose and love says so much about me and my study habit. Which isn't a habit because I almost rarely "study". I explore the internet, I get facinated by the people and things they can do, and wish that I could do those things too. But I am afraid to try because if I feel like I failed when I put the effort the "Good Student" in mean is going to die.

If I study and still fail the exams I would be someone dumb. I leave the possibility that if I had studied I would have passed and the reason I failed is that I hadn't studied. Though I can write about and and am conscious about it, I have never made myself get up and do something about it. Sometimes it makes me feel like it is too late and my brain has matured that it cannot mould itself to learn new things.

Whenever exams arrive I get super active and I am able to do the project I always wanted to do. Or I watch the movies that I kept aside saying they took a lot my time from study hours, [And still not studying.] I try to minimize every distractions from my phone and everywhere and slowly within few days I have everything enabled again. I try to study for an hour and fall into a deep rabbithole of researching about this new interesting thing I found and forget about what I studied. [And the fact that I had to study as well.]

The worst part is that, being conscious about everything I am not able to change myself, and I feel like it's too late every time. Every exams I think about these things and fail, and this is the 6th semester I am at. Meaning I have been the same person for 2.5, almost 3 years with no change. [And by change I mean improvement, because I have degraded from everything I used to do before as well and that wasn't really the change in me I was looking for.]

[I have lost at everything I hoped would build me up for the past three years and I am scared that I wont be able to change. I am scared that I won't ever be like the kid people saw in me before. I am scared that I could never satisfy myself by being what I want to be and I keep hoping and not doing anything about it.]

[I keep wishing for things instead of working for it. I think I need to develop a habit of working but I am very bad at it. Ironically, I who think that change is the best thing a human can do, haven't changed to what I want to be. I don't want to repeat this the next time I am near an exam.]

[Also, weirdly enough I am having an anger issue which I never used to have. I feel like I am crossing the limit. I don't want to see myself as pathetic anymore. I hope the ones who are reading this would see the change in me. I'll work on it.]