Changing, Trying, Testing

For some years now meaning: many years now I have been into Linux and with being in the Linux "ecosystem" I have grown a taste in what kinds of software I use and like to use.

It's the software that is Free and Open Source, that respects your privacy. If they can't show you what they do with your inputs then they can't be trusted.

But, this mentality of "software should respect my privacy" severely limits the things I try. When I was young and carefree I am still young, but not carefree. I used to try every new thing that I came across, no matter what it was, what philosophy it followed, what it did to my data, no matter anything. But, now I don't do that.

If I try to test things, I feel bad, I feel like I am going against my belief system, against my personality. Because most of the products that come out, doesn't tick my boxes. They might be proprietary, or by some big tech, or having many trackers, or collecting too much data, asking for my personal information etc. It doesn't feel like a problem, right? I mean, it's a good thing to be conscious.

But, I miss trying out every new thing that came out. I used to make an account for everything as soon as I knew about them. I used to sign up for beta/alpha testing for random projects. But, now a days I am hating on things I haven't even tried or used. I first judge them by the cover, then by their licence and only by what they can do.

I loved still do change, I yearned for things to change very often. Holding grudges and being "in the state of unhappiness for a long time" wasn't something I did, or wanted to do and it's something I am feeling very often now-a-days. It was because I didn't care about "many people" I only cared and thought about the one I was interacting to. But, now when I am surrounded by many people and they know me by some way, it is very difficult to suddenly move on from something I have been caused harm by to feeling no dislike/hatred toward it.

All I am trying to say is that things seem to be more permanent and fragile these days. But before, I used to quickly fix things up if things happened, like it was clay with just a minor fixable dent.

But now, the idea of fixing things up before it became permanent, seems weak and insecure, without confidence, without resilience, without personality.

When does confidence turn into stubbornness? I don't want to look like a "Coward" who keeps changing their mind and forgetting and forgiving the bad things and betrayals they have faced. I want to be bold. But, when does boldness turn into resentment, estrangement or just that other English word that convey the exact meaning but I don't know it.

Or maybe I have gotten the meaning of cowardice all wrong. Well, it's something I haven't learned from books but from friends, family, and society.

Well that was a tangent!

I sometimes want to give up on privacy and try every new thing that comes up in the internet. Then the guilt kicks in and I just cannot do it, especially if it requires a login. Previously, I used to log in with my pseudonym everywhere. But nowadays I have fallen back to using my real name and primary email for people in the masses because I see other people not caring much about their real name being in use. I don't know where I got the idea that my real name should not be in the internet, maybe it felt stealthy.

And in the search for the perfect thing, I am losing out on many steppingstones to reach a valid goal. I don't like C#, or Flutter or React Native because of big tech. I always liked C because it was what the kernel was written in and is the mother of all languages. But, I am most attracted by rust and beyond rust there are not many languages that attract me apart from the uniqueness and "stealthiness" of languages like Haskell and Lisp. I don't like C++ for no reason at all because I have heard many people bashing on C++ and telling how great rust is, so why would I learn a language that is hated a lot. I want to know the things in low level yet I struggle even in highest of levels, I sometimes even struggle in "bash". Something I got into unknowingly, Linux, is something I quiet understand. So, there is an example there, if I hadn't struggled in Linux in the first place I wouldn't have the capacity to understand at the level that I do now.

Maybe my personality of immediately showing off the things I have done to people isn't a great thing as a personality. Because, I tend to do it only if I can finish it quickly and show it off. The lack of patience is my motivation to be fast but the motivation to do things fast comes with the cost of not being to learn the things with a steep learning curve. This makes me feel like I have reached the edge and I cannot jump to the other side because it's too far. And I don't have the willpower to go all the way around the cliff since I have come this far. I think I should swallow my pride and keep quiet for some time. But, will it help?

The problem seems to be seeking external validation after all. One way to still showcase and learn may be documenting the process of learning something. But, I fear spending more time documenting and less time actually learning the thing. Why I am worrying about spending more time documenting? Because I feel like I have wasted so much time that I need to now compensate the time I have lost, which isn't helping.

I shall "invest" time now.