Not in Control

There are too many things we cannot control. I wish I could go back in time and fix things. Controlling yourself is hard enough, I wonder how difficult would be controlling "time". I didn't decide to write this thinking I couldn't control time. Actually I had put this topic on "things to write about" yesterday, and today I don't remember what inspired me to put that there. Regardless, I am writing about it.

Apparently I cannot control what I want to remember.

Just the fact that I learned something yesterday which I don't remember today haunts me. I guess I will remember what I learned when the situation asks for it. Anyway, I would love for things to be on my control. I guess that's what "power" is. I think every one likes to have things in their control. But, instead of controlling others or things, the best thing one can do is fully control themselves. Which nobody can. I can't even control a fraction of myself.

Controlling yourself boils down to laziness and habits. And I have a very bad habit of being lazy and letting things out of control. The more I try to control myself over doing things (my bad habits) No, I don't smoke. But, it's worse than that. it pulls me too hard that I go back to it. I cheat myself. It's wishing to reach a destination and making no efforts towards it.

Other things I want to control is what I say to people. I want to control my privacy. Though I know that everything I speak can be used against me. I share things, I vent things out of control. Almost to people who wouldn't care to listen or worse who don't care about me. Best thing that can happen when venting is that they remember nothing about it, but you feel good telling it. Writing about things help me have second and third thoughts before I actually say something. For someone who knows so much about privacy on the internet and uses signal, I am a fraud for being what I am in real life. Like, I regret saying some things to some people, which thankfully haven't been used against me. I am controlling it fairly well these days.

I say I won't eat junk today, and I end up eating fast food. I say I will wake up early and end up skipping the alarm and waking up at 9. I say I'll miss out on things and end up using "the social media" for far too long. Controlling myself to do things I want to do has been difficult. I don't expect exerting power and control over others. One thing I can somewhat control is my computer. And I am studying to be able to do it more.

I am not in my own control. But, I realize, slowly is the way to go.

Fully controlling myself and my computer, that's the dream.