Psychedelics

The easiest thing to do these days is to spend time doing nothing and forget the things that needs to be done. I can turn my mind off and just float in this state where I don't have to worry about how it might affect the future. No, I am not talking about the butterfly effect. I am not bored, I am lazy. There is a difference, which I didn't seem to realize. Boredom is not having things to do while laziness is not having the will to do the things you want to do. Yeah! You want to do it, but you don't want to do it. You want the result and don't want the effort it takes.

Life should have been easy by now. A discipline, a way of doing things, a flow on how and when to do things, I should have figured out all those things and streamlined and optimized my life for what I want the most. But, I am stuck on leaving everything out and floating in a different plane, forgetting everything. No! I am not talking about drugs. I am talking about something way worse than drugs. The fact that the power in my area should cut off just for me to accept that I am in the real world, says it all.

I should accept it as addiction. I feel like it is an integral part of my life and also my personality. It is an integral part of everyone's life because it is literally one of the basic human rights, communication. Maybe, I didn't fact check it, but it seems like a fundamental human right to me. And you don't need to know me just to realize that the next thing I am most likely to talk about after Linux is Social Media.

I turned almost everything down. I disabled all feeds of YouTube, I deactivated Facebook and also messenger, and that was almost entirely what I used. But, the fact that I can just enable things isn't helping. And it isn't enough to disable things to solve the problems. I have to disable them from myself, only then I will be free from it. After all the blame for how I make my life is on me.

Well, I didn't completely disable everything. I had made an account on LinkedIn Yeah, I know, very disappointing. and when I am tired of scrolling YouTube, I go there and scroll the feed just to get something different and somehow coming back to YouTube. But, you said you disabled all feeds from YouTube. Yes, and I can re-enable it too. I do have mastodon and Pixelfed but scrolling them takes like 1 minute before I am caught up with everyone I follow and what they have shared, and I begin to see everything I already saw the last time with no recommendations and curiosity to scroll any further. I also scroll hacker news and lobsters, and they are exhaustive as well. Then I have my RSS feed which also is exhaustive.

So, what is the problem? The problem is that I am completely inactive during the daytime. I just can not do anything during the day. I realize I have made myself like this, I wish I could blame this to someone else. Daytime, it's almost eight hours of a day before I call it evening or morning and not daytime. And, the tendency to just pat myself and say that I will do "something" in the morning or evening or at night doesn't help either because what is stopping me from wasting all my time doomscrolling and searching for something?

And instead of worrying about the things I must do, I just use this psychedelic glowing box, let it take control over my senses and just forget about the world in a second. I can't spend two days without YouTube recommendations without having various withdrawal symptoms and eventually finding a way to get the YouTube dosage, be it by re-enabling feeds or watching it without feeling guilty somehow. On the TV or on someone else's phone. It is almost like a smoker who has quit smoking wanting to breathe the smokey air around them if they get a chance.

I need to somehow get rid of this addiction and make "good habits". I don't want to feel like I am being forced to not do the things, not use social media and I just want to feel indifferent about it. In the most relatable way; I just want to break up with social media in bad terms and realize that It wasn't good or bad for me, I made it "bad" or "good".

To quote it swiftly, "It's me, yeah! I'm the problem, it's me."