When to Ignore and When to Run Away

I don't know when it to ignore things and when it is to run away from it. You should run away from danger, and you should never ignore anything? I wish there was a written instruction set for it. (I would still not read it but I wish there was one.) I have been ignoring and running away from things for way to long for me to realize "facing" something is an option too. Conquering the inconveniences and facing the problems instead of ignoring them. Was the correct choice, but well ignoring and running away was the easier more comfortable choice.

I have always kept myself relative to others, like If it were the other person's fault, but they seem to not apologize for it instead be arrogant about their behaviour, I would eventually come into conclusion that maybe it was my fault. Having clarity on a view is a good trait to have. To be able to know that you are correct and the facts back you. But, maybe a need for conclusions is stopping me for having eventual clarity.

I am too focused about the outcome that I miss the learning part in the process of getting that outcome. It is like not watching a series unless you are sure to finish it in one go. Or, choosing a movie because it'll end. I am very impatient. I write because I want to go through a thought process without drawing conclusions. And, also I tend to forget things quickly.

Well, I am running away from many things, and in that process of running I have jumped and skipped what should have made me a "better person". I cannot go back in time, and I am angry with myself that I lost time not learning about things. If you are reading this thinking that I have now recovered from what I lost then you are very naive. I hate to admit that it is very difficult to recover, but It is, and I feel like I will not recover from it.

And that is why I am questioning myself on how I will recover, what should I run from, what should I now ignore to cover up what I have lost while still being on par with what I should learn. But, it's a paradox and one can't know what to ignore without facing it and realizing why it should be ignored.

From what I wrote above, I think I now know that "ignoring" and "running away" are not the same thing. That I should not run away from social media and ignore it. Like, I should not run away from the people I have broken friendship with and ignore them. But, I hate that instead of thinking about what I want to think about (functional programming, digital logic, monads, memory management, garbage collection, etc.) I am thinking about what should have been general knowledge without anything to think about (feminism, right/wrong, friendship, learning, regrets, behaviour, manners, respect, anger, my people, other people, personas, etc), I sometimes feel like I should have studied psychology instead of engineering. I hate that the list of things I want to focus on ended because I could not think about more topics, while I thought that I wrote too many items that I should end it with an "etc" for the list of things, I don't want to think about.

I would be wrong if I said that I haven't learned a lot by thinking about the things I didn't want to think about, but those things should not have takes my brain cycles (I like to think like I lose my CPU (brain) cycles the more I use my brain.)

Do I regret writing this? Yes! Because I wasted an hour of my precious time before my exam instead of studying. Do I feel good writing this? Yes! Because I don't have interest in the subject which is a result of not getting the basics of what the subject wants to teach me and which is a result of me not caring about it because I didn't know about some of the topics beforehand and now I have to give an exam to prove that I know about it which I don't and I am currently ignoring my problem and taking the "easy" way to get that dopamine while I am not watching YouTube. Yeah! I am really really fucked up.

I don't want to run away either, and I can't stop ignoring either because my brain is not built for patience and hard work and I just can't keep my focus for more than a moment. The problem is me being addicted to my laptop and at the same time having to use it because all the resource to ruin me are in it and all the resources to bring me back up is in it as well. And it is soo easy to ruin myself than to do the hard work and get myself up.

Yet I don't want to die, or live as a burden to my family, with neither me being happy nor everyone who is "not me".

This brings me to what I realized by watching a movie to waste more time before my exam is that, the time I used being comfortable will be compensated by very uncomfortable times in the future and the time I spend being uncomfortable now will be compensated by comfort in the future. Overall, life seems to balance out everything before eventually ending.

I guess, the key was to keep life a little uncomfortable forever and embracing the discomfort as a way of living that it became normal and indifferent to you.

Well, the time for me to follow that has already passed, and I need to make myself a lot stronger than what I am now because the uncomfortable times are here and I must not waste what is essentially a second chance.

And, I don't want to believe in god for the rest of my life if I fail to bring myself up.